Piecing It Together
I try and breathe
I take it one day at a time
Every second seems important
More important than the exhale
I hold it in
Because I can’t let go
I try and count
The moments as I lie awake
The intrusive minutes that bleed into the late evening
When the world changes all around, and yet it all feels still
I try and cope
I haven’t found the best solution
I try, and try again
Yet feel failure with each win
As if I know the peace won’t last
I can’t breathe
My cries overpower my lungs
I gasp with each tear as it chokes me
A smell lingers
A familiar stench of alcohol, cigarettes, and young masculine sweat
So bold, but disguised
I can’t talk about it
Can’t say it aloud
Can’t say how when I close my eyes, I still remember
Remember the music from my laptop, still playing
Remember coming in and out of a “dream”
Feeling more than I could see
I remember, and I’ve tried to forget
I can’t count my tears
They fall hard, staccato, and like tiny wet soldiers
They’re quickly discarded so as to not have any evidence of weakness
And just as fast as they’re wiped away, they return, unwanted
I cope by not coping
Afraid to say how terrified I am at times being approached by people I don’t know
I put on a facade of toughness
I am tough, and yet just a bit scared to let any guard down
I scream inside my head, grit my teeth, tremble, and wait for the moment when I can run
I’ll run as fast, hard, and far as I can
I’ll run from you
I’ll run from them
I’ll run from myself
I don’t know where you are
I don’t know why you did this
I don’t know why I wasn’t successful with letting it all go
Because I tried
I tried to go away
And guilt brought me back
Sometimes it gets painfully difficult to stay
I don’t trust the world
And I don’t know how to fully understand reasoning
I need a reason
I need to know how stupid and pathetic I must have looked for that night to even be thought of
I need to know when my clothes became option
I need to know why both
I need to know if I screamed, because it felt as though I should
I need to know if after you regretted what happened
I need to know whether or not you said penance
I silently cry and torture myself into believing I’m over exaggerating
That what happened wasn’t bad enough
Even my own mind wants to say, I don’t believe you
But I remember pieces
Even when I don’t want to, I feel as though I’m there
I just want to end this
End the memories
End the haze
End the tears
End the jolting behavior
More often than not, just end it
And I try everyday to not give in
I try and hold on for family, which makes me feel like a failure even more
Failing to make myself happy, by just focusing on others
I want to one day feel happy, without feeling a mask on top of that feeling
I’m trying
