(Just trying) Keep fighting!

Just Trying

There were times where I sat right in front

In a class of as little as 30

To a class of more than 600

I sat in front, because I wanted an access to run 

If I needed to, I wanted a clear space

There were moments I knew the answers

But still said nothing 

I didn’t speak, and you noticed 

Nothing came of it

I carefully, yet forcefully trekked building to building 

Stone faced, and blaring earbuds 

I was tuning out my surroundings 

Trying to not be seen 

Not wanting to look up

Not wanting to say 

A voice not wanted, and I knew it

Never truly understanding what to say

I was silent 

Scared of what would happen if I tried

I didn’t, and you noticed 

Timid, but bashfully trying to overcompensate 

Just trying 

****************

Keep fighting

Every day I run

I run to see how far I can go

How much I can endure

How long it’ll take me to stop and catch my breath 

Ending a race that never had a start date

A continuation that will never die

I run to run out of air 

To fill my lungs to capacity 

Shatter my chest from the frigid wind that pushes towards me 

I run

I can’t stop

If I do I won’t restart 

I won’t try again 

I need to shove my thoughts down

Under my doubts of being

I run from doubt

I run towards my own second guessing 

I can’t stop running 

If I do I wont see the end

I’ll run forever hoping for a lighter path 

A safer ending 

But I can’t stop

Reminders

*Spoiler Alert - The picture below may not be suitable for everyone*

So many things can make you dredge up the past:  faces, a smell, a picture, a sound . . . a thought.  And when you come face-to-face with that emotion, it can often be too difficult to erase.  Been there, done that.  Reminders are more than just an alert from a calender -- telling you it's the anniversary of something you'd rather forget.  Maybe the reminder is to try and forget -- putting your energy into something else more time consuming.  Whatever it is, reminders can also be a trigger.  

I must say, placing this picture (taken a while back) in my blog was beyond one of the most impacting, yet extremely terrifying moments I've had to overcome.  Just as the following poem that leads after (will be posted soon). 

I'm such an enclosed person, that I never discuss my own emotions -- never wanting to be bothersome.  Most of my friends come to me to vent, but I never let it go the other way.  I'm there -- a bouncing board of ideas as to what to do -- how to stay calm -- how to breathe -- how to be positive.  Why hasn't that worked for me?  Why, now, must I write about the past?  Well, because it just seems to continue bringing its way back into my present being.  And I'm secretly hoping it never makes it to my future.  

Yes, I've tried to kick the habit of being my own psychiatrist -- prescribing my own remedies for unwanted thoughts -- Still trying.  Yes, I've gone days, weeks, months even, without resorting to those habits.  But just as one small whiff of odor can set one into a tail spin, so can one unblocked and blurry image.  

Moment by moment -- that's what happens.  I don't see myself as a person venting.  However, now, I see myself as a person FINALLY being able to speak.  And I hope that in time, I can speak about other moments.