Between Nothing

Holding on to something that isn't there?  Questions seem to be what continue running through your head whenever you're trying to escape.  Escape the fact you have NO answers to them.

Why is it that when you close your eyes, in an attempt to concentrate on change, nothing does?  And when you open those same eyes, everything is passing?  Except your own thoughts.

Is it a disorder that plagues my mind, and drives my stability wild?  Is it beyond frustration which pushes my thoughts over the edge?  I don't know.  This late evening/early morning I sit here, in full regret.  Trying to change these thoughts, but at the same time knowing it would be easier, and maybe better if I did what they are telling me . . . I fight it.  I try to anyway.  Feelings of being a disappointment.  I stay awake planning my own demise.  I plan to be free someday.  But that someday lurks in the back of my mind.  Each day I feel this way, and walk out like I'm fine . . . I'm not fine.  And when I return I know I want to to be.  Closeness, which some people long for, I dread.  Because just the thought of a nearing touch shocks me to the core.  Like a debilitating punch to the heart.   I hide it very well.  Some people don't bring that out of me.  But it's all too often I sit in the dark, wanting nothing.  Nothing but for the darkness to continue.  Until my senses break down, and I am emotionless.

Going from happy to sad in such a short span, and not wanting to stay in the happy -- I'm over it.  I've come to the point where I feel I made enough of an impact to now be free.  And I want to really want that.  Yet I feel torn with letting those I love down.  And then the vicious hatred of myself and the disappointment come back in.  I've failed to be free.  I've failed to live up to my expectations.  Not that life is too bad to continue, and I'm giving up.  But I've decided I don't want to continue wasting precious moments where other people can live, love and be happy, without thinking of me.  I know that sadness for some people arrive and disappear.  For me it lingers.  But for those who can turn that switch off, my leaving won't destroy them as much as staying (for me) would.

These thoughts border between action and nothing.  So I continue contemplating until a decision is made.  Until then, I leave myself with these words from Secondhand Serenade:

"So please let me be free from you.  Please let me be free.  I can face the truth . . . "

Much Love,

~Kyra C.

Decisions sometimes have to be made

After much pondering, packing and listing of arrangements, I had to make a difficult decision.  Decisions . . . I wish it weren't that I was having to choose between gaining practical experience for my future, and focusing on what is already in front of me.  Either way, I had to make that decision.  I had to opt for not going to something which I had planned on attending almost two months ago.  Alas, I will not be with my comrades at the Hyatt for the next few days.  Although I am still somewhat bummed -- scratch that, totally bummed -- I have to factor in what I am preparing for within this semester.  This, being my third semester as an MFA student of Lesley University; studying in the Creative Writing platform, but focusing on Writing for Stage & Screen, and Nonfiction, I am preparing for when the inevitable happens:  graduation in less than a year.  When I have to go out into the real world, without my mentor/advisor safety nets.  Such a terrifying thought!

Third semester equals Titanic sized assignments, multiple revisions, new ideas and the writing of new material.  I have gained valuable life/writing experience with each semester, but somehow with this one, I am learning even more than I thought I would.  I am learning how to understand my characters, while breathing both clarity and intensity into their worlds.  With this blog, I am learning to just be a writer:  telling a story, no matter how insane it might feel to reveal.  This entire semester thus far has been a decision, which I have had to make.  I had to focus on deadlines, even when my mind is drawing a blank on what to purge onto the page.  I have had to clear persistent thoughts that have seemed to try and creep its way into throwing my focus off.  I am determined with all my writing, to give a voice:  to my characters, to my readers and to myself. 

MFA life is not normal, but it's not bad either.  It's the right amount of intensity, insanity, and enjoyment.  I have always heard how "high school is the best years of your life," which I never bought.  And it wasn't the case.  College has been the best times of my life (undergrad and now grad).  If I never went through having to make a choice of what to do, I would never be in the position I am in to make the above choice.  Like I said, I am not thrilled with missing my writing family and buddies which I have not seen since undergrad at Michigan State University, but I am in the type of mindset now, in where everything happens for a reason.  Maybe that reason of not attending, will mean I can truly breathe, without feeling pressured to put just anything on the page and hit send.  The time won't seem too crowded with plausible adventures, that I would neglect my own writers journey (here I go, thinking of my Craft Books  :-p) in order to partake.

I am looking forward to writing more.  I am indeed looking forward to being with my writing buddies once more.  And although it might mean a few more months until that happens, that time I will stay even longer.  This time I will be even more prepared, not for what can go wrong, but what I envision with turn out wonderfully.  In a mere few months, after this semester has ended and submissions have been sent in and evaluated, I will be edging toward another decision:  Which full length play do I put up?  I am thrilled this decision does not have to be made just yet.  But when that time gets closer, I am sure I will be prepared.  Third semester has and will continue to kick my butt, and I am thankful for that.  It is definitely not a lie when people say, "preparation meets opportunity."  And I am totally becoming prepared for what will come into frution.