Dead(lines)

If you haven't noticed, there always seems to be quite a gap between my posts.  I've been trying to put my thoughts onto the white space more frequently -- besides what I write for school.  I'm getting there . . .

Most of my time is spent trying to dominate the multitasking and perfectionist side of my being -- which enables me to just focus on what I believe needs tackling the most.  But with my newest blog, Traveling To Me: The Road towards Living (a Dream), I decided to capture each step -- my total process of getting things done -- even the harshest moments.  *spoiler alert*

I will be writing some of the most personal journeys I have taken, am in the process of taking and that I am still in the midst of.  But don't worry, not every writer or composer goes ONLY into the dark.  There is always a ray of sun, somewhere -- lurking, beyond the dark forest in our minds -- those times when life seems bleak, and something pushes towards that breaking point . . . Push back!  There IS a way out.  I am going to try and NOT fright myself from talking about those moments.  And of course, the positive ones too.

 

 

Maybe in the next post I'll write about what made me want to become a writer (of all things: music, poetry, stage, screen, essays; stories).  So, get ready, there will be posts galore -- sooner than you can imagine.  And this time, I'm writing from my core. 

I'm going to leave you with this -- Brain-Matter-Double-Exposure- Song that inspired this blog. To get you in the realm of learning more about me and my writing.

Don't Let Me Be Alone

Don't Let Me Be Alone - Title track that inspired me to record my thoughts.

These past few weeks have been some of the most bizarre times I have had. I guess it started with my third semester residency as an MFA student. Possibly it was because I had to take that trek, the one that I embarked on over a year prior. And after that residency ended, I was back on the move. This time I didn't get to stay put where my heart wanted me to be. This time I was torn. 

As I rode that Amtrack state-to-state, I remembered the adventures I passed up, just by going in that direction.  With only a few days to let loose, I decided to go back.  Visit.  Be around the familiar.  But what to me began as a frightful beginning; my new home away from 'home;' my familiar, had turned into a farewell. I was leaving, again, and this time I didn't really want to. I felt home -- although it wasn't my original place of destination -- it was still safe. It was what I grew to know. And ultimately love. I was taking an oh, so repetitive trip back.

Funny how I wanted nothing but to get away from the same, that I was managing to forget the way out.  I had worked so hard to leave this place, and it took strange circumstances (I'll get into later) to bring me back.  But for how long?  Where was my heart?  Was I to become stagnant?  Could I make a change -- knowing I had, but nobody else did?  More importantly, how was I going to grow, artistically, being back where it started? 

Trust me, these were questions I asked myself as I packed, boarded the train, sat for those 18+ hours and then departed. And I'm still asking them now. Did I get so use to the awesomeness around me after I left, that I couldn't realize the gem that was once there? I don't know. And maybe that's something I need to investigate. I take that back -- that's something I'll totally look into. Because I'm here now, and I have to make it work. I can't afford any more insanity trips (another story I'll get to later), especially with this being the semester before my thesis. So, I have to get to work. Whatever way possible -- I have to make it work. And I have to stop those pestering thoughts that want to deprive me of my next adventure. 

I HAVE TO STAY FOCUSED.

AND CONTINUE LOOKING AHEAD -- DREAMING

"Nowhere To Run"

Sitting and listening to Caleb and Sol's Nowhere To Run, and realizing how simple I always thought it was, to do just that.  It's amazing how many times this semester I've felt like running away . . . anywhere . . . although I knew there wasn't a real destination to go.  The fascination with trying to be everything and do everything, just won't release its hold upon me.  Learning how to cope with more regret, drama, and let down -- done by myself, is what pushes me -- that want to prove I can get to the other side.

And as Caleb and Sol's gutsy lyrics stir their way through my speakers, singing "there's nowhere to run to . . . nowhere to turn to . . . nowhere to run . . . nowhere to hide, and nowhere to go," I'm yet complicated with the notion to relieve myself from feeling as though I have any control over the matter at hand.  Even if I know my actions are because of the notions I choose to react from, I am still learning . . .

So, instead of reverting back to old habits, that I seemed to shake, until later in the semester -- alas, I will go for a run, to the gym, to the river, around the school . . . wherever there's a blank space, which can only come alive with deep understanding, made from taking in the peace that surrounds me, everyday.  I mustn't try and run from the evil around me . . . I mustn't try and control every move.  I need to just live.

Because, "there's nowhere to run to . . . nowhere to turn to . . . nowhere to run . . . nowhere to hide, and nowhere to go."  And I'm still learning . . .

~Kyra C.