Struggling To Manage

I can't seem to close my eyes.  Not without feeling tears.  I only feel tears, and I don't know why.  Why at this moment, or these moments, when I'm left contemplating my existence?  I'm trying to shake it.  These eyes looking down on me -- from within.  Have you ever felt yourself being watched?  But the eyes are your own?

I can't seem to close my eyes.  Not without feeling fear.  I hold onto that fear, and I don't know why.  Why is it so familiar, this scarce plight I search for, but stop before reaching the door?  I'm trying to push past this.  I want to see the other side -- another side from stagnant emotion.

I look up, close my eyes, then take a deep breath and hold it.  I don't want to exhale, but I do.  I avoid my reflection as I stare into the rain formed pool gathering before me. I don't see myself anymore.  I melt into concrete -- into nothing.  Nothing but a puddle of lost hope.

"No more maybe's"

I watched her.  

I watched from inside.  

Peered from above.  

And listened intently, because I knew something would protrude its way from under her staccato'd breathing. 
But it didn't.  

Maybe she never saw me.  

Maybe the daze caught her for too long.  

Took away her capabilities, just like it took mine.  

I watched her.  

She never moved.  

Never.  

Not once.  

And I listened.  

She said nothing.  

I wondered when her actions would take place, but they didn't.  

When those sharp pains subsided, she looked up, at me.  

Still, nothing.  

So, I watched, again.  

Those once sharp pains, didn't seem like anything anymore.  

The jabs were like clock work, and were persistent.  

I wondered if she felt anything anymore.  

Maybe she had disappeared . . . 

I wanted her to disappear -- from the outside, just as she did on the inside.  

Maybe then my hovering would fall into one.  

And she'd move.  

Watch me.  

Feel something.  

Or maybe she knew how to control it.  

That moment.  

Those minutes, which went on for too long.  

Or just maybe, as her daze sunk in deeper, she fell further.  

And maybe she wondered too --  why my eyes were open and yet I never saw it happening.  

Because if I did, why didn't I catch her?

~Kyra C.

"My Way"

So, I'm still at the computer, avoiding my tasks -- which are finishing these assignments and sending them off . . . I get that once I've completed everything, I'll have more time to break and relax, however for some odd reason, I just can't get myself to write . . . I mean, it's not like there's too much of writers block going on.  The only sort of explanation I can give to myself is, procrastination is taking over.  And that's most certainly not a good thing.

I've made lists,  started the aforementioned assignments -- even went as far as having the notes that I wrote out, lying next to the computer . . . Still, nothing.  I'm not finished.  I'm nowhere near finished, and this is driving me insane.  *Speak of the devil -- I get a phone call, which I have to pick up -- but I shouldn't have . . .*

I wish I could -- You know what, I think I'll make myself another vow . . . One that always worked as an undergrad.  I'm going to chillax, once more (for one hour), then I'm going to write in isolation, until EVERYTHING is complete, revised, again, and sent off (by the deadline).  Then and only then, will I need to take another nap, or gosh forbid, sleep.  Yeah, I'm planning on pulling my first Grad School All-Nighter!!  So, wish me luck . . . :-p

Peace Out Dudes and I'll check in later -- Much!

~Kyra C.