Between Nothing

Holding on to something that isn't there?  Questions seem to be what continue running through your head whenever you're trying to escape.  Escape the fact you have NO answers to them.

Why is it that when you close your eyes, in an attempt to concentrate on change, nothing does?  And when you open those same eyes, everything is passing?  Except your own thoughts.

Is it a disorder that plagues my mind, and drives my stability wild?  Is it beyond frustration which pushes my thoughts over the edge?  I don't know.  This late evening/early morning I sit here, in full regret.  Trying to change these thoughts, but at the same time knowing it would be easier, and maybe better if I did what they are telling me . . . I fight it.  I try to anyway.  Feelings of being a disappointment.  I stay awake planning my own demise.  I plan to be free someday.  But that someday lurks in the back of my mind.  Each day I feel this way, and walk out like I'm fine . . . I'm not fine.  And when I return I know I want to to be.  Closeness, which some people long for, I dread.  Because just the thought of a nearing touch shocks me to the core.  Like a debilitating punch to the heart.   I hide it very well.  Some people don't bring that out of me.  But it's all too often I sit in the dark, wanting nothing.  Nothing but for the darkness to continue.  Until my senses break down, and I am emotionless.

Going from happy to sad in such a short span, and not wanting to stay in the happy -- I'm over it.  I've come to the point where I feel I made enough of an impact to now be free.  And I want to really want that.  Yet I feel torn with letting those I love down.  And then the vicious hatred of myself and the disappointment come back in.  I've failed to be free.  I've failed to live up to my expectations.  Not that life is too bad to continue, and I'm giving up.  But I've decided I don't want to continue wasting precious moments where other people can live, love and be happy, without thinking of me.  I know that sadness for some people arrive and disappear.  For me it lingers.  But for those who can turn that switch off, my leaving won't destroy them as much as staying (for me) would.

These thoughts border between action and nothing.  So I continue contemplating until a decision is made.  Until then, I leave myself with these words from Secondhand Serenade:

"So please let me be free from you.  Please let me be free.  I can face the truth . . . "

Much Love,

~Kyra C.