"Superman or In My Veins . . ."

Sitting here, listening to Five For Fighting and Andrew Belle and pondering the thought that, in less than nine weeks, I will set off on my next journey, and that somehow brings me joy with a slightly fathomable cringe.  I have wished for a while, to figure out my definitive post graduation plans and with this summer passing by, my sights were clear . . . With that being said, the mention of newer horizons can push me to question that further out stepping stone;  what happens after Grad school.  Just like Andrew sings, "everything will change . . . Nothing stays the same . . ." This is what gets me to feel the isolation that only resides in my mind, because I am surrounded by great possibilities and beings.

Shaking that doubt is where the next step shall be, however it seems easier to sit and ponder what should be a clear discovery and not a mapped out "road trip."  So I guess I'll figure things out within the time allotted and drive towards my dreams of finding the reality that is, 'my goals,' while continuing on THIS journey.

Well, I need to get going.

~Kyra C.

"What Happens Now?"

Just sitting in my room, as the boxes and packaged areas, try and consume me from the inside.  Listening to Cold and gathering my thoughts, because I'll soon be leaving this gorgeous city/school and moving.  I guess it's that type of deja vu that doesn't give me the reasoning of feeling this way entirely . . . I'll be back up here for my Wednesday, August 3, 2011 performance at Lansing, Michigan's Rum Runner's Dueling Piano Bar, for an Open Mic Performance.  I'm super excited to be getting the chance to do this and yes, return back to my lovely atmosphere.  Although, it won't be for that long of a duration, I will still take it in, as if I'm holding on to my present for just a few more hours, before I edge into the future.

It makes me cringe at the fact, soon I will have to make a new life and create a new family (still keeping my sane and loving ones) in my new location . . . In hopes that everything goes according to plan, I make plans.  Even if they are strictly detailed or just minute with details, I still create them.  My music tour across the States is on the planned list and my hopes are to get people to appreciate my style and my music, but I always know things don't always go the way you'd hope, which leads me to my title ("What Happens Now?") . . . If people don't get my music, what does that mean; my music 'sucks'?  I just need to go to Grad School?  I should take a break and refocus on something more career appropriate?  What does that say about my plans . . . All I can do, is hope and plan for the best and pray that everything aligns in the manner that I believe it should.  I truly feel this is my path and that I can be just as successful at it, as if I chose another journey.  I've always said, "I've always wanted to truly be happy. Even when things are super tough and I know they aren't going to change, I still force a smile - In hopes that I will believe my external happiness and internally feel the same." and I need to believe in that statement, just as much now as I formally did.

This is not the time to waiver on my hopes, dreams, goals and whatnot, but it's time to strive for that future of possibilities that will lead me to my love.  I type onto this laptop and into this blog, feeling the pressure slowly subside, and even the boxes around me don't seem to pile on my anxious feelings, but gradually put things in perspective.  I'm a recent graduate - I set out to graduate from Michigan State University, which I did.  CHECK.  My family saw that happen.  CHECK.  I did every job and/or activity that I wanted to and learned from.  CHECK.  I made strong ties with many people.  CHECK.  I fell in love with my community.  CHECK.  I can honestly say that I conquered my time at State and now I can only hope to do the same in my new destination.

So, "what happens now" . . . Well, that's whatever happens, but I know it will most certainly be something great! :-p

Much Love and Take Care Dudes,

~Kyra C.

"Love Will Tear Us Apart"

So, I just returned from my evening workout; taking in the scenery; feeling the warmish breeze; trusting the wind, as it blew on my face.  Remembering that all this will soon change, in just a matter of weeks.  Everything will be new.  No more immediate comfort.  No more feeling like it's just deja vu . . . I'll have to work on my serenity somewhere strange.  My soundtrack of life will soon be updated with whatever can make me feel secure, as I travel around to the areas of unknown.  Don't get me wrong - I'm looking forward to the adventure, or adventures as they present themselves.  I just cannot fathom my life without what I've come to know and call home:  my friends, job, campus, housing, love - my life.  "And that's just the way it goes;  falling awake . . ." as Gary Jules would say.  As I type onto this keyboard, my time is decreasing and soon my anticipation will increase into unimaginable nervous behavior.  I love my life, now.  I just hope I love it in the near future.

Well, I have to get going.

Peace Out Dudes and Much Love,

~Kyra C. 

"That's What Friends Are For"

Super happy, because I just finished a great music rehearsal with my guitar and my beloved clarinet.  It's been awhile since I've fully played my Artley and I'm glad muscle memory and studiousness have prevailed and I can still play well.  :-p  Just sitting in my room, listening to some Dionne Warwick music (hence the title).  I love good music . . . I'm so about to get back to another rehearsal, because my future begins soon and I want to be able to utilize all of my skills by continuing to learn and practice.  Well, enough of this scattered blog - I've got to get going.

Peace Out Dudes,

~Kyra C.

"Answer"

So, it is another day - Another day of heat and trying to think cool. :-p  Actually, it is yet another day for meetings and rehearsals, partially just the way I like it.  Anywho, I've managed to get so much accomplished in less than one hour, which leads me to the ability of enjoying the rest of the day, which I can totally get behind the thought of.  Less than three to four weeks of meetings and then I am off to discover the meaning of real life.  I am nervous, yet I know that if I don't get away and try, I will regret it, not to mention probably lose my mind and yeah . . . So, the only practical thing is to move away and get my life really moving.  I know that life get's better (I'm not quoting the "Trevor Project", but they are right), and one can only hope for that chance.  I feel as if moving to my destination is like going straight to L.A., with nothing but my music and self esteem - It has to work out, right?  I mean, this is my life - my goals - my career - hopefully my future.  It will work out, I just have to only think positive thoughts, or at least never slow down enough to ponder the other ones.

Well, I need to get going, because there's so much to get done today. :-p

Peace Out Dudes,

~Kyra C.

"Bitterly"

So, it's almost forty minutes past 2am and yes, I am still awake . . . Well, it's apparent, since I am writing this blog.  Anywho, I've been awake, getting phone calls and watching episodes of season one of Grey's Anatomy, because I need to catch up on everything I've ever missed before the new season begins on September 22, 2011.  By that time, I'll have moved onto what I hope is the best place for me - Anywhere but MI.  But more importantly, my newest venture to my future.  This past week was somewhat gratifying, because I had the chance to visit home and my family and there were NO funerals.  Most times I come home to be surrounded by family, someone's lying in a casket, so this was a breath of fresh air.  Well, mostly fresh air.

It's strange how out of your element one can become, when around certain people - that was what I was feeling at specific moments while I was at my family BBQ that my sister hosted.  I felt strange, not just because I had never "hung out" with most of them before (mostly because they're all older than me), but because I felt as if I was not fully apart of their group nor did I want to jeopardize myself for trying too hard to become.  There were many moments when all I could do to feel sane, was to distance myself from the thought  of what was taking place, which is one of the main reasons I sometimes dissociate from some people.  From the obsessive and excessive usage of the "N" word, blaring profane rap music to smoking and drinking . . . I just knew I was out of place, but the only thing I could do was watch and make sure nothing bad happened, because I was the only one sober (mind and body) - who could determine real confrontation.

Needless to say I was happier, earlier when everyone was sober and more relieved when I returned back to my third place of solace (1.  my habitat and 2.  my environment).

So, yeah, that was an eventful time, which I am thrilled to say, I survived, of course. :-p

Still awake and listening to some great singer/songwriters and pulling musical inspiration from them, as I attempt to lie down and take a nap, because I will be awake in less than seven hours . . . It's meeting day  and more workouts in store, because I managed to miss my evening one.  Bummer! :-(

Well, after this song ends, it's back to another episode of Grey's Anatomy and then, maybe some napping time . . . One can only hope.

Peace Out Dudes,

~Kyra C.

"Little Earthquakes"

Well, it's official - I've done way too much homework . . . Well, I've at least finished everything that's due next week, which should be a great thing, meaning I can relax some more.  Just sitting here and finishing up the fourth season of Private Practice, because for some odd reason, I never wanted to watch the show, but now I've caught myself up to four seasons . . . Yeah, I've had some real time lapses, especially with my evening workouts.  The funny thing is my timing with when I do my Pilates and Yoga workouts . . . They're usually in the morning and before I head off to sleep, which is rarely at a normal time, but what can I say.

Back to what people want to know - Where the Blog title came from . . . Well, it's actually from one of my favorite albums from the amazing Tori Amos, and if you've never heard of her, you are insanely absent from reality. :-p

This album, kind of like Staind's "14 Shades of Gray" album - It's just a great album, which can be replayed everyday.  I love creating soundtracks, even with my life, because for some reason - Music makes so many things possible.  Wow, I've managed to become even more scatter brained in the last few paragraphs . . . I'm going to get back to finishing season 4, so yeah . . .

Take Care and Much Love,

~Kyra C.

"Would You Love Me?"

So, I'm just sitting here, listening to some of my newest songs that have been recorded over the past few weeks.  I'm amazed at how much of a writers surface I find, whenever I give my mind the freedom to roam . . . Other times, I find it difficult to not just run away from thoughts.  Speaking of thoughts . . . It seems as if I'm going to have to focus on them, relatively soon.  I'm gearing towards a long evening workout, well, after I take my precautionary asthma medications. :-p

Since the title of this post is what it reads, some may wonder - 'what in the smurf is she talking about?'  Well, I'm referring to a 'special person', which is brought up in the song that was recorded, under the same name.  Once I upload the song to be listened to, feel free to question who this song pertains to and maybe I'll verify the answer. :-p  **nevermind when I upload it ->  Here is a link to the actual song.**   "Would You Love Me?"

Well, I must stay focused and get back to work, because I only have three and a half more weeks to rely on this atmosphere, which has always been so mixed when it came to my point of view.  After this summer, I will be off, trying to make my life work and I'm in for a rude awakening, although I will swerve away from it.   I'm super nervous about finally landing where I've always discussed being, however I'm ecstatic about venturing off into those places that I believe I need to be.  I just hope my presence in the "industry" will stay prevalent, even after everything is over . . . Not getting morbid, but I need to make a mark, before things end - I believe music transcends all things and great music will live on.  So why not try and create something that will bring others to an understanding, years down the line?  I can only push myself until I accomplish that.

Well, I am off to "ride into the sunset" or just around the greenery. :-p

Peace Out Dudes,

~Kyra C.

"44. Caliber Love Letter"

Just sitting here, listening to some Alexisonfire, before my evening really takes off.  This week has already been crazy busy and it's just Tuesday, but good news is, in a few weeks, I'll have a break from the craziness and the crazies of this place. :-p  Don't get me wrong, I'll miss it - Hey, I'll even be around for a few months after, just not in the same way as a normal Undergrad would be, because I'll have already taken that step across the stage for Green.

I love sitting and thinking about the future and I how much I want everything to work out, just the way I've always envisioned it.  I want to try everything I love and make it work, successfully - And hey, that's not too big of a task, especially when you're willing to work as hard as it takes to prove to yourself, first, you deserve it.  That's what I'm going for, proving myself.

At times I get nervous or somewhat overzealous, with planning my life post commencement, but then I think - Heck, if I cannot do what I've always loved and wanted to do, and within each facet that I adore, then maybe I'm not prepared for anything and I should just give up.  With that, I always choose to correct my evil hatred filled mind, and focus on the possibility of doing great things, which lead me to dreaming about my future as a happier individual.  I love that!

The countdown continues, both for this evening and for the next four weeks, and with each word typed, whether it's music, class, work . . . I'm garnering towards this accomplishment.

Much Love and Dedication.

Peace Out, Dudes,

~Kyra C.

"Night/Day"

Sitting here, wondering how this is even possible - I already finished my homework for the week, meaning I really have nothing to do, besides study for these two Midterms and work on memorization . . . Weird. :-p  I'm always in that moment where I have so much to get done, and then I began getting so tired, I don't want to move, however I'm lacking in that lacking department . . .Yeah, makes no sense to me neither. LOL

Listening to Mae and rocking out, before I start reading "Orchid Thief" and begin studying, although I might just push that to my To-Do-List for tomorrow, which evidently is today.  Yeah, the transferal of time always sneaks up. :-p  Well, I've chilaxed long enough and it's basically 2:00am and I still have much to do and many hours to go, so I guess I'll get more motivated to find something to do, and just do it.

Well, take care and maybe I'll talk soon.  Definitely.

Much Love,

~Kyra C.

"The Mind of an Adagio"

So, I am sitting in this room and getting super nervous, because in a few minutes the host of this event will be Mariska Hargitay and I am beyond stoked.  The event is hosted by the "MSU Safe Place" and "MSU Counseling Center", and it is entitled, "Telling Amy's Story."  It's about domestic abuse.  This should be a great and informative event, that should shed some light to what is happening in relationships across the world.

Well,.back to my complete and utter nervousness . . . I am sitting in the front row, waiting to catch sight of my favorite SVU detective and get a picture, hand her the note that I wrote her and hear the discussion for this event.

I tend to go "insane" when there is something that I am looking forward to seeing or doing and this is definitely on my top list of things to do!! :-p

                             ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fast forward to the actual event and the ending . . . So, she was NOT there and at first I was a little disappointed, but after viewing the screening of the story, I was put at ease, because this story is not about fame but notoriety - in a sense, it's about showing people why this is important, instead of desensitizing the matter by adding someone that can distract the audience from the initial story.

And although I did not get the chance to meet Mariska, I am sure that one day I will get that chance or to send her my letter and feel relieved that it was under better terms . . . :-p

Well, it's off to work now - there's so much to get done, before next week.

Streisand's playing in the background, playing "People" and come on, how awesome is that . . .

Gotta Go, Talk Later.

Much Love,

~Kyra C.

Accidents

Sitting in an environment that I am not supposed to be in . . . Listening to Alexisonfire scream my existence!  Not even feeling like doing this simple homework, but instead I want to vent (physically) to the douche bags that never use professional behavior when they are suppose to.  I went from being in an amazing mood, to completely ticked off and willing to strike, like Randy Orton, in a moment's time.

See, there's a difference in mistakenly not showing up for work, getting the call and feeling sorry for not showing up.  Or even the aspect of coming in late, but still coming in.  However if you are a NO CALL NO SHOW and there is absolutely no remorse, then I feel nothing for you and even less if you get fired for your antics.

I have an entire evening of this CRAP and I am so over it.  I am over people thinking that everything revolves around them, so they want everyone to focus on them (and no, making this blog is not an example!), so they interrupt people or decide that their agenda is bigger than other's.  I would like to see these incompetent individuals, once they get into the real world.  Really, I would love to see them be reprimanded for their actions and sent into a downward spiral of desperation (okay, maybe that's too harsh . . . ).

I have just gotten to the point, where these six weeks seem to be going slower than my entire University career.  I am so ready to get away from certain situations and people, and never look back.

Maybe I'll talk later and it will be more positive . . .

~Kyra C.

"Running Up That Hill"

Sitting here in the late hours . . . Well, it will be late hours once I'm done. :-p  But anywho, I'm sitting here and working on many homework assignments and counting down the weeks until graduation.

This week has been crazy hectic and just plain crazy, because of all those darn funerals that I had to attend.  On top of all the funerals and driving that took place, I wrote five papers last week and was totally stoked when they were all finished, although this week I'm working on an additional five more, which could be a sign of insanity, only I'm an English major, so there's your definition right there.  I decided that this evening I would try and finish all of my papers and leave next week for breathing - If I make it, right?

My set playlist is as sporadic as my mind, sometimes . . . From Placebo's "Running Up That Hill" to P.O.D.'s "Youth Of A Nation" - Shows how my brain is drifting, and it sure is drifting.  I cannot wait until all these assignments are finished and I can focus on the reality of real "Real" life (sorry about that - the urge to quote Tim from my Compliance Video Training, just appeared :-p) . . .

Well, I am going to get back to this study session, because I have less time than I wanted, and I need to make sure everything is done before I tackle the 10 page paper for, get this . . . My ENG class (who would have thunk it - Yeah . . . ).

Talk Later Dudes.

~Kyra C.

"If It Means A Lot To You"

Sitting here and listening to A Day To Remember's "If It Means A Lot To You" and thinking about how crazy it is that music can be so important to making a person feel . . . I mean, that's mainly why I love music, but when I think about how dependent I am on lyrics and their importance, it makes me cringe at the thought of complete silence or an incomplete song.  Tangents are what I tend to go on, especially when it's one of those evenings where it goes from good to just plain bizarre - you know, the feeling of content and then something goes wrong and makes you question, well, everything.

A song can just put me in the mood that I need to be in, but mostly the mood that I'm already in that just needs to be pushed - the intensity that needs to be heightened.  Listening to screamo or a good alternative rock song, that's what I'll need and that's what I'm going to be using tonight, because when you want to scream, but can't (because it's not acceptable in certain circumstances), it's good to have an iPod that can do the screaming for you.

Well, I have to go . . .

~Kyra C.

Rolling In The Deep

  Sitting in class (it has yet to begin) and listening to Adele's "Rolling In The Deep and thinking, Another day, chalked full of classes, meetings, rehearsals, paper writing . . . You know, the normal stuff that presents itself for a university student - A Senior university student. :-p  I managed to get a majority of everything I totally needed to finish, completely done and I am so happy that it's over . . . Spring Break is looming in the back of my mind, although there's no actual destination that I will be going.  That ever so popular, Mexico destination or to another foreign country . . . Yeah, not happening anytime soon, although it may happen sooner than I thought.  Just not this Spring Break - I cannot believe I've managed to make it to every crossroad of academics and NEVER go anywhere but home, for Spring Break.  :-/  Wow, that's impressive, except I know that Spring Break can be way more than just going someplace and spending your entire paycheck until you're broke - For me, it's about making and saving money.  Hey, I did say that I was a university student, which means there needs to be ample funding, especially since graduation is totally approaching faster than it took the online world to get upset about Corey Haim being dissed at the Oscars, especially since he was dissed at the Academy Awards during both Memoriam.

  Classes are on the list of things to get done today and so is a tiny nap.  Let's just say, there's one thing that may not be checked off. :-p  Nine weeks until graduation and I am happy as a clam - What, is that too much of an overly used phrase? HaHa

Well, there's only a few more minutes until today's lectures officially begin and then it's off to teach a class and back to sitting and learning.  It's a good thing more Midterms are coming up soon. :-p

~Kyra C.

Landslide

Sitting at the desk of heat and doom. :-p Well, not really, but it sure does feel that way, come 4am . . . Well, if you were one of "us", you'd know why. Just sitting at this desk, listening to some Dixie Chicks. Yes, I said, Dixie Chicks. So, what's new - I love country music, but what's new? :-p Forming a super authentic opinion of those amazing lyrics that Fleetwood Mac wrote and Martie, Emily and Natalie successfully belted out, time and again. It just feels so timeless when you really think about it . . .

"Can the child within my heart rise above?  Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?" If that doesn't make you think, maybe "Well, I've been afraid of changin' 'Cause I've built my life around you . . ."

Will totally put living in place for you. Can you imagine so many people that depend on someone else to make them happy or that special person that they "cannot live without"? Yeah, think about it. I'm not saying that you should never depend on someone - Maybe your family or a totally close and reliable friend, but in actuality, the one person that you should be able to rely on the most, is your self (don't be upset, my Christian friends - I know God comes first . . . I'm just focusing on the external realm and not the spiritual being).

When I think of the lyrics above and the fact that, yes, maybe out of context, they are not what is really occurring in the writers minds, but what I have in fact, decided the song means (to me) - I feel as if the singer is basically stating why they feel the need to revolt from society's mindset of reliance or maybe just become their own person and regard their own feelings as important and trying to find acceptance within themselves . . . Maybe that's a stretch or a far cry from the real definitive purpose for those said lyrics, but hey, it's up for interpretation.

What do you think the song means . . . What would you incorporate those lyrics to being about?


~Kyra C.

Anywhere

Currently listening to "Anywhere" from Open Door by Evanescence and feeling a push towards escaping.  It's one of those quick changes in perception or perspective for that matter.  From happy to craze and mental defiance within an hours time.  I've avoided and disconnected all forms of communication, as a way of preventing myself from feeling that guilty splurge of energy coursing through the veins that normally run desiccated.  I cannot be the only individual trying to cope with reality . . . that just doesn't seem feasibly real . . .  Where does the focus become succinct?  Why is that switch, so effortless, when I want to seem normal?

If I ran, would I even decide to return?  At this point, I become indecisive to the change of heart - my heart.  It's as if focus is out of the window, unless I'm staging a brief appearance before the "crowd" - The apparent absent minded crowd that never sees what's really happening and just blindly goes their way.  I need that escape, sometimes . . . To run until I'm out of energy, then stop somewhere in isolation and just sit - Breathe, lie there and just breathe.  I want that, sometimes, I need that.  Maybe I'll surface . . . once I remember where I belong . . . I'm sure I belong, somewhere . . . Anywhere . . .

~Kyra C.

Losing It

So, it's officially almost four am and I am still awake . . . Yeah, so what else is new?  The thing is, I've been up and doing a lot of work, hitting save, constantly, all the while, trying to feel accomplished.  Just as I'm getting to that point, my computer decides to freeze, again - This has happened three times within  the past six days and I am totally at the point where if this doesn't stop, I might just SCREAM or throw something, which isn't the best way of dealing with these things, but what the heck!  As a University student, there's so much reliance on technology and when you're up to all extended time periods, working diligently, you only want things to go right and when they don't, it's as if you've lost all sense of reality.

My computer finally turned back on and I was waiting for it to show all my work, GONE, but it's not and I'm somewhat happy.  I know, I know, you're thinking I should be more joyous than that, but I know that sooner or later it's going to happen again, so I cannot begin the celebration just yet.  If ever . . . Back to this typing and hitting SAVE, every second and waiting patiently for everything to go black, or maybe just static, because even the blue screen is too afraid to appear on this screen.

~Kyra C.