Don't Let Me Be Alone

Don't Let Me Be Alone - Title track that inspired me to record my thoughts.

These past few weeks have been some of the most bizarre times I have had. I guess it started with my third semester residency as an MFA student. Possibly it was because I had to take that trek, the one that I embarked on over a year prior. And after that residency ended, I was back on the move. This time I didn't get to stay put where my heart wanted me to be. This time I was torn. 

As I rode that Amtrack state-to-state, I remembered the adventures I passed up, just by going in that direction.  With only a few days to let loose, I decided to go back.  Visit.  Be around the familiar.  But what to me began as a frightful beginning; my new home away from 'home;' my familiar, had turned into a farewell. I was leaving, again, and this time I didn't really want to. I felt home -- although it wasn't my original place of destination -- it was still safe. It was what I grew to know. And ultimately love. I was taking an oh, so repetitive trip back.

Funny how I wanted nothing but to get away from the same, that I was managing to forget the way out.  I had worked so hard to leave this place, and it took strange circumstances (I'll get into later) to bring me back.  But for how long?  Where was my heart?  Was I to become stagnant?  Could I make a change -- knowing I had, but nobody else did?  More importantly, how was I going to grow, artistically, being back where it started? 

Trust me, these were questions I asked myself as I packed, boarded the train, sat for those 18+ hours and then departed. And I'm still asking them now. Did I get so use to the awesomeness around me after I left, that I couldn't realize the gem that was once there? I don't know. And maybe that's something I need to investigate. I take that back -- that's something I'll totally look into. Because I'm here now, and I have to make it work. I can't afford any more insanity trips (another story I'll get to later), especially with this being the semester before my thesis. So, I have to get to work. Whatever way possible -- I have to make it work. And I have to stop those pestering thoughts that want to deprive me of my next adventure. 

I HAVE TO STAY FOCUSED.

AND CONTINUE LOOKING AHEAD -- DREAMING

"No more maybe's"

I watched her.  

I watched from inside.  

Peered from above.  

And listened intently, because I knew something would protrude its way from under her staccato'd breathing. 
But it didn't.  

Maybe she never saw me.  

Maybe the daze caught her for too long.  

Took away her capabilities, just like it took mine.  

I watched her.  

She never moved.  

Never.  

Not once.  

And I listened.  

She said nothing.  

I wondered when her actions would take place, but they didn't.  

When those sharp pains subsided, she looked up, at me.  

Still, nothing.  

So, I watched, again.  

Those once sharp pains, didn't seem like anything anymore.  

The jabs were like clock work, and were persistent.  

I wondered if she felt anything anymore.  

Maybe she had disappeared . . . 

I wanted her to disappear -- from the outside, just as she did on the inside.  

Maybe then my hovering would fall into one.  

And she'd move.  

Watch me.  

Feel something.  

Or maybe she knew how to control it.  

That moment.  

Those minutes, which went on for too long.  

Or just maybe, as her daze sunk in deeper, she fell further.  

And maybe she wondered too --  why my eyes were open and yet I never saw it happening.  

Because if I did, why didn't I catch her?

~Kyra C.