Documentation/Searching

So, I finally received the full incident report from my SA in East Lansing.  And there were fifty two pages of it.  Fifty two pages of so many moments I had tried so desperately to forget.

Speaking of wanting to forget.  Here is what happened today . . .
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I panicked, sitting inside the room with my therapist.  I panicked as she read over my full incident report of my SA.  I had a PDF copy of it on my phone.  I told her it was okay, because I trust her.  But still during those moments I felt so disgusting.  I know the ELPD has read the forms, and many other people might know about it as well (due to police officers talking about cases).  But somehow sitting there in the same room with someone reading over the details of a night I have never been able to forget or get over, was truly unbearable.  I tried my hardest to sit there and not focus on which details she was reading.  I focused on my feet, and even then I couldn't stop shaking.  I eventually had to briefly leave the room, and try and regroup.

When I returned I was still in the most bizarre head space.  I could not even look up at her.  As she spoke to me, I stayed focused on my feet, and drew outlines on my wrist and FitBit with my fingers, all while trying to push back the tears coming down my face.  I don't like to show emotion. 

The last few days have had that type of intensity.  I have read over the entire fifty two pages.  Over and over again, just trying to find out what I did wrong to have that happen.  And why I was so trusting of people I did not know.  I'm still trying to correct my naivety. 

My therapist told me to print the forms, and then delete the files from my phone, so that I was not tempted to constantly look them over.  She also told me to take the printed forms and put them in an envelope out of site, and locked away.  I just printed them out, but don't know if I can fully delete the files from my phone, nor just lock away the printed copy.  I'll try.  I just know that so far, today, I'm still looking for answers. 

(Just trying) Keep fighting!

Just Trying

There were times where I sat right in front

In a class of as little as 30

To a class of more than 600

I sat in front, because I wanted an access to run 

If I needed to, I wanted a clear space

There were moments I knew the answers

But still said nothing 

I didn’t speak, and you noticed 

Nothing came of it

I carefully, yet forcefully trekked building to building 

Stone faced, and blaring earbuds 

I was tuning out my surroundings 

Trying to not be seen 

Not wanting to look up

Not wanting to say 

A voice not wanted, and I knew it

Never truly understanding what to say

I was silent 

Scared of what would happen if I tried

I didn’t, and you noticed 

Timid, but bashfully trying to overcompensate 

Just trying 

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Keep fighting

Every day I run

I run to see how far I can go

How much I can endure

How long it’ll take me to stop and catch my breath 

Ending a race that never had a start date

A continuation that will never die

I run to run out of air 

To fill my lungs to capacity 

Shatter my chest from the frigid wind that pushes towards me 

I run

I can’t stop

If I do I won’t restart 

I won’t try again 

I need to shove my thoughts down

Under my doubts of being

I run from doubt

I run towards my own second guessing 

I can’t stop running 

If I do I wont see the end

I’ll run forever hoping for a lighter path 

A safer ending 

But I can’t stop