Why?

I'm rushing to feel.  Anything and everything -- wanting to know if I'm still even here.
I've felt guilty since that day, and yet I haven't told you.  I can't.
It was my fault for what happened to you.  And I can't bare to think about the pain you've endured.
And why I'm still even here.

I wish I could retrace the moment to where I messed up.  You tell me what I should know: it wasn't my carelessness that caused this.  And yet I just want to take it all back.  I would do anything to see you free from my mistake(s).  I count them all each day.

And I don't sleep much -- not with knowing what I've done, and that I can't go back and undo it.
If we could trade places, I'd be happy to not have even made it out alive.  Just for you to feel relieved from the journey you must endure.  I ask myself each day and night, as I sit alone, why am I still here?

I can't tell you any of this, because I'd hate to see your sadness show.  I don't tell you I've bottled each moment inside, and it pours over every night. So, I try and not close my eyes.

I have thought about giving up so many times.  And then I remember how I'm the rock that you need.  And that you need me because of what I did.  It's frustrating to know that I can't waste away, because I would leave you in even more pain.  But each day I'm here, I'm feeling my self slowly wasting.  If only I could disappear without causing too much of a disruption.  If only I could go away and vanish from your thoughts, your heart, and from your hurt.

I'd honestly take it all -- just to feel your freedom coming back with my leaving.
I try to shake these moments.  These times are constant.
I'll try harder.  I must convince myself why I'm still even here.  
I want to know why.

Reverie by Luchs

Struggling To Manage

I can't seem to close my eyes.  Not without feeling tears.  I only feel tears, and I don't know why.  Why at this moment, or these moments, when I'm left contemplating my existence?  I'm trying to shake it.  These eyes looking down on me -- from within.  Have you ever felt yourself being watched?  But the eyes are your own?

I can't seem to close my eyes.  Not without feeling fear.  I hold onto that fear, and I don't know why.  Why is it so familiar, this scarce plight I search for, but stop before reaching the door?  I'm trying to push past this.  I want to see the other side -- another side from stagnant emotion.

I look up, close my eyes, then take a deep breath and hold it.  I don't want to exhale, but I do.  I avoid my reflection as I stare into the rain formed pool gathering before me. I don't see myself anymore.  I melt into concrete -- into nothing.  Nothing but a puddle of lost hope.

Still Mesmorized by Frank T.

An American Elegy

This song has to be one of my favorite wind symphony pieces, to play and listen to.  I remember when I first played this song in high school.  It was with our A Band - Wind Symphony, and I can recall every moment of this song etching its way into my heart.  I memorized my part of course, the first part clarinet portion, but I also became entranced with the other instrument parts.  There is just something about a Frank Ticheli piece, that just pulls you in.  I feel this way with Frank, and Eric Whitacre.  But in this post, I'll stick to Frank.  This song, along with Blue Shades, Simple Gifts, Vesuvius, Shenandoah, Cajun Folk Songs, and Sun Dance, are some of my favorites.  But An American Elegy has to be my number one song from him.  I can place this song in its entirety, on repeat and never get sick of it.  To listen to this masterful piece, by an extremely talented band (you must), you will fall in love.  If you take anything from this post, take a listen to Frank's music, and with the link included, it will be by the Wind Symphony band of Michigan State University.  I said you'd need to hear his music from an extremely talented band, and that's what you'll get with them.  There is just something about the composition of a great song, topped off with dedicated musicians.  Feel free to become infatuated with these songs.  And don't feel bad about it.  I'm right there with you, repeat and all.